“So, what, do I like, just shake it?”
While Emma is busy in the Vineyard, I thought I’d tell ya’ll about my friend, or moreso, his ex-girlfriend. Now, they just ended a two year long relationship after his having to endure what some would like to call “hell,” and I’m only writing about this because in some ways, it is a veritable gold mine of ridiculous phrases, quips and conversation. As I love those things in an unhealthy way, I thought I’d use my journalistic talents to tell his story. For the purposes of this story, I feel I should let you in on who she is. Her name is Katie, she’s blonde, she’s beautiful, she’s bulimic, and if put on Survivor, we’re pretty sure she’d eat the other cast members and then wonder where everyone went. It’s also good to note that she told us at a party that she could speak in tongues and kept warning us that the rapture was coming. She also slept with said friend at said party, and as I remember it, this is the conversation that led to commitment.
(It’s important to note that at the time, he was living in our fraternity house, and everyone knew about last night’s antics, and that there are four of us who are best friends, including him.)
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(As I walk in the room)
G: I don’t know man… should I add her as a friend?
M: Why not? I mean, you have two friends in common, so technically you kind of know her. Plus, you did sleep with her last night.
G: Yeah, but if I don’t remember it, she probably doesn’t…
(Down the hall) HEY! How do you spell DOUCHEBAG?
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Normally, I’d give him a speech about how he just ruined his life through promiscuity, but as she told us the rapture was coming, I didn’t have time to think. A few months later, he took her along to a date party, and we/our dates had the privilege of riding with her. As we all piled in, we stood awkwardly for a second waiting for her to press 26 because she was right in front of the panel. What happened next I will be able to repeat verbatim for the rest of my life.
Me: Hey, I think you need to press 26.
Katie: Oh! You’re suppose to press a button! I think this happened last time.
M: Wait, last time?
(Everyone giving said friend a look akin to “are you f**king serious? ”)
(Sighing while shaking his head) Look, just hit the button.
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Now, this went on for two years, and while I have a rolodex filled with her particular brand of common sense, this is a blog, and we were taught never to make a story too long, so I’ll leave you with this. It might be the best thing she’s ever said, and it wasn’t even directed at us.
(While holding a shake –n- bake box)
So, what, do I like, just shake it?
